Funnels

I use a funnel for lots of things. I find them useful. I have a small salt shaker with large holes that I keep filled with Kosher salt. To fill it I need a funnel.

I can tomatoes, tomato juice, and applesauce. To pour the sauce into the jar for canning I need a funnel. If I don’t use a funnel I make a mess, which I have to wipe up, clean the outside and top of the canning jar so the seal is successful. They make special funnels for wide mouth jars and small mouth jars.

I’ve bought lots of funnels. I have a cheap dollar store set that works well for liquid, but not for herbs. I buy large containers of spices and funnel the spices into small spice jars and use them a little at a time, keeping the mother container in a cool dark place. Those white funnels clogged quickly with basil and oregano, so I resorted to creating my own funnel using a piece of printer paper. It worked okay, but I made a mess.

Another mess.

Recently, happily, I bought some funnels from Pampered Chef that are perfect for funneling spices. Yes, the happiness is real.

But I’m not a spice. I’m not applesauce.

Recently I took a class on web building which included newsletters, creating free content, and attracting Your Audience. Included in the teaching was the process of making a funnel.

I was excited to invent my newsletter and my free content (which I already had). I wasn’t too keen on attracting people, but I was learning so, you know, when you sign up to learn something you have to trust the process.

As I was sharing this information with a friend at church she said, with frustration and candor, “I hate funnels.” The sharpness of her words caught me off guard. She said she had bought too many products she never used because of the free things she went after while going inside the funnel. “I avoid all funnels,” she said.

I wanted to defend myself but was hit with the fact that I was looking at my new knowledge from the cook’s point of view, not the applesauce. I didn’t have a response except that I hadn’t created a funnel yet, because it cost money. Money I didn’t have.

Later I mused about water swirling down the funnel into my water bottle, maybe not wanting to go into the water bottle, but being helpless to stop. I imagined myself applesauce clinging to the side of the funnel and a big spatula pushing me in.

And then being stuck in the jar for all eternity.

Erik_Karits-pixabay

I have gone down way too many funnels in my life to feel good about creating one.

No funnels for me, thanks. I’m driving.

Since that time I have taken down my website, which was lovely and fun to play with, but much too expensive. I have stopped sending a newsletter and told the monkey I didn’t need him anymore. I don’t have enough to say.

And I sure don’t want to create funnels that trick people into buying something they really don’t want, but bought it because my words were encouraging, or empowering, or funny, or maybe … lies (even though we are taught to use words like “might” or “maybe” or “it’s possible” to alleviate any guilt on our part).

I don’t really have a platform. I’m just me. You don’t need to buy me. If you can find me (I’ve been practicing invisibility since my reporter days) I’ll gladly give you my time for free. Maybe even my book if I know it might help you.

I apologize to my friends who were kind enough to buy into “me” only to find I’m free.

I’m free. No funnels.

But I do love a good funnel cake!