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| pxel_photographer |
Defeat
Failure
Unfinished
Weak
Wrong
Incomplete
F
Lose
I ran away from these words. Fear of failure is a familiar
emotion to me. If defeated I would quit, run away, disappear. There was no
coming back from failure. There was no finishing the unfinished. An “incomplete”
on any school paper would send me into shock. That wasn’t supposed to happen to
me. Getting any grade less than a B was wrong, inexcusable, shameful.
Because I was convinced I was smart, and smarter than anyone
else. If there was someone who was smarter or more gifted than I was, I felt it
necessary to hate them.
Such a ridiculous way to exist. I loved my classmates, my
friends. Why would I feel this way?
There was a mysterious training I received when I was young
that defeat was inexcusable, shameful, impossible. To lose was not an option.
I don’t know why I was this way. I’m still unraveling my
past. Perhaps it was because I was “a good girl” and “talented” and “pretty”
and “smart” and “a straight A student.” It was said so much to me it became my
identity.
Fortunately, God led me through many difficult times, places
where I would be defeated, situations where I would fail, jobs given to me that
would remain incomplete. He knew this huge lie that dominated my life was
keeping me from serving Him.
I escaped, but in many instances, I was forced to stay, made
to fix my mistakes, left alone to mend the broken bridges.
Maturing.
Soon I learned to love finishing projects. The feeling of
completion was a better success than all the awards in the universe.
I still struggle with the lie of “failure is inexcusable.”
But God has led me to see it’s not about me anyway, it’s about serving Him with
what He has given me.
These thoughts are unfinished, and probably will be until I
meet Him face to face.
“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for
power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly therefore, I will rather boast
about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I
am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with
persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I
am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
_RHTM_
it's hard sometimes to let it go isn't it? The past we were raised with. FMF10
ReplyDeleteRight. As my brother says, we were given a set of rules and expectations and we spend the rest of our lives relearning what God wants from us. Thank You, God, for being gentle!
DeleteSome good insights here, Rachel.
ReplyDeleteLoved "God has led me to see it’s not about me anyway, it’s about serving Him with what He has given me."
I guess I really am a failure,
ReplyDeleteand that's just the truth of it,
but I'll tell you that I'm darn sure
I am not about to quit,
'cause this whole thing is a game,
some you win and some you lose,
and in the end both are the same,
and it is left for you to choose
the victor's lofty arrogance
or the sore loser's creaky whine.
You can't be sitting on the fence,
for life does not give you the time
to at ease make up your mind,
and so you may as well be kind.
As one perfectionist who’s trying not to be your words resonate so with me! You provide a needed reminder that it’s not about me!
ReplyDelete