F

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Defeat

Failure

Unfinished

Weak

Wrong

Incomplete

F

Lose

I ran away from these words. Fear of failure is a familiar emotion to me. If defeated I would quit, run away, disappear. There was no coming back from failure. There was no finishing the unfinished. An “incomplete” on any school paper would send me into shock. That wasn’t supposed to happen to me. Getting any grade less than a B was wrong, inexcusable, shameful.

Because I was convinced I was smart, and smarter than anyone else. If there was someone who was smarter or more gifted than I was, I felt it necessary to hate them.

Such a ridiculous way to exist. I loved my classmates, my friends. Why would I feel this way?

There was a mysterious training I received when I was young that defeat was inexcusable, shameful, impossible. To lose was not an option.

I don’t know why I was this way. I’m still unraveling my past. Perhaps it was because I was “a good girl” and “talented” and “pretty” and “smart” and “a straight A student.” It was said so much to me it became my identity.

Fortunately, God led me through many difficult times, places where I would be defeated, situations where I would fail, jobs given to me that would remain incomplete. He knew this huge lie that dominated my life was keeping me from serving Him.

I escaped, but in many instances, I was forced to stay, made to fix my mistakes, left alone to mend the broken bridges.

Maturing.

Soon I learned to love finishing projects. The feeling of completion was a better success than all the awards in the universe.

I still struggle with the lie of “failure is inexcusable.” But God has led me to see it’s not about me anyway, it’s about serving Him with what He has given me.

 

These thoughts are unfinished, and probably will be until I meet Him face to face.

 

“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 

_RHTM_

 

 

Making a Scene

 

Make a Scene

Scenes are so important in writing. Each scene must have a beginning, middle, and end. Each scene must belong to a bigger part of the whole and progress the plot (novel, short story, play, opera, movie, TV show).

Making a scene takes a lot of work. You can write it out quickly in the first draft, but then it’s time to scrutinize its value. Do I need this scene, or did I just write it because the paper was blank, and I needed words? Do I need this scene, or did I just blow off steam? Does this scene create an important part of the whole? If I take it out, will “something” be missing?

Some scenes are placed specifically to wake up the audience. Some scenes are there to create bonds between characters. Some progress the plot by showing us motivation and backstory. Some seem completely out of touch with the rest of the whole until the very end, when some word or gesture reminds us of the scene and brings an entirely new meaning to the story. 

I am in a scene in my life story. It doesn’t make sense to me. Why am I here? Why is this happening? What does this have to do with the rest of my life or someone else’s life or my tiny piece of the world’s history?

Then I remember this is God’s story. He wrote it many years ago before any of us were born. He knows how it turns out. This scene is cloudy to me, but an important part of the whole: the whole of my life, the whole of my children’s lives, the whole of my community’s story, the whole of the story that is the ongoing body of Christ.

That’s why it’s so important to get outside of myself and let God lead me where He needs me. That’s why, when I feel lost, I sit down and write where I am right now…

Here I am, sitting at my laptop. Today one of my children will be visiting us, so I cleaned house. Today I have ___ friends who have asked for prayer. Today I need to shop for the needs of my household. Today I don’t need to bake because there is plenty left over from yesterday. Today I work on the big projects God has given me, ___, ___, and ___. Today I praise God for providing what I need, for giving me jobs to do, for giving me people to take care of, for salvation and a hope, for the opportunity to talk to strangers and pass along a tiny piece of Jesus.

Today is just a tiny, but important scene, in God’s plan.

 

_RHTM_

 

 

 

All that I have to tolerate

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I am a highly sensitive person. I have always known that, but it took reading about in psychology articles to realize that it’s really a thing.

Because of that I have to tolerate things most people don’t seem to mind:

Noise

Chatter

Bright lights

Arguments

Fighting

Intense movies

Loud music

Constant motor sounds

Screens

Repetitive percussive sounds

Interruptions

Conflict

Any change in plans

 

Add to that the things I have to tolerate because my personality bends toward INFJ:

Lying

Fibbing

Personal Drama

Large gatherings

Noisy animals

Boasting/Preening/Pretending you are someone you are not

Ignoring of facts

Performing (without benefit of a stage)

 

I realize this is negative, but the only way I have been able to tolerate the things that bother me (and many times they bother me deeply) is God.

God has given me strength to raise children, discipline, teach in the classroom, give workshops, be a reporter for the newspaper, be an editor for the newspaper, organize and attend book signings, head clubs and gatherings, have lots of people over for a graduation or birthday party, be a cashier, attend family reunions, weddings, funerals …

God is amazing. No matter what our weaknesses are, He is there to help us through whatever needs to be done.

Thank you, God.

“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9

 

Read more thoughts on the word Tolerate.

 

Then take a minute to check out my novel, The Porch.

 

_RHTM_