I was undecided

ArtTower - pixabay

I realized for the fifth time that I stink at freelancing. 

Harsh, I know.

Maybe it's self-doubt, but I don't think so.

Maybe it's fear of success, but I'm sure that's not it.

Maybe it is a lack of discipline in my life, but I believe my track record speaks for itself.

At some point I might try freelancing again, but I'm undecided.

Then, again, here I am - freelancing. I write what I want when I want to whom I want about what I want. I don't charge anything for this blog and that suits me just fine. Sometimes I don't even charge for the books I write. I love giving things that I create away. It brings me joy. And that joy and happiness and satisfaction is worth so much more than the Amazon price of $16.99. 

So, I guess, I do freelance. I just don't do it in the way other people do. 

I've taken all the online classes, talked to all the important and successful people, run with the wolves and played with the big boys. All that is just not me. 

Maybe I have leanings toward putting myself out there, but it is not sustainable. Not to me. I have so many other things I want to do.

Like write.

Like getting another job (which I just did, thank You, God!) and learning new skills. 

Like creating new artwork out of paint, fiber, textiles, words, wood, stone, clay. 

Like spending time helping my family clear houses, collect stories, take photos, build things, make memories, share experiences.

Like keeping promises I made years ago to dear ones, to myself, to God.

So, the conclusion is, I have decided that my whole life has been freelancing - just not in the way some people might think. 

The image of the knight on the dappled war horse with a strong, sharp lance ready to go to battle, ready to work at the King's command, traveling on errands that only He and I know about, showing up in unexpected places and unexpected times - 

That's me.

_RHTM_